only recently have i realized this: i need to limit my speech/thoughts the way i limit my cigarette smoking. i know no one else will limit what they say about people with my conditions under my conditional/sociological categories; i take no offense to it. however, if i’m going to try to stop losing friends, i should also try to stop making friends. no one will share my same views. maybe some might, but there’s no use in gambling. everyone has something that makes their neurochemistry explode. most people aren’t as mechanically handled as i am in terms of brain functionality; i think the lithium carbonate and olanzapine should keep me functioning for another few months before i inevitably decide to screw my life up even more. most people don’t have to deal with this bullshit i deal with, literally having not a single day go by without convincing myself a dozen times to not climb the nearest building and jump off. lolololololol i can laugh at myself at least.
i have no more time for people’s games. i just need to get back into lifting and studying. this summer is over.
I used to hit my head on random things. I hit walls, lockers, more walls.. I broke a window in 8th grade with my forehead (didn’t mean to break it) and i got suspended from school for it. In 9th grade, i hit a whole row of lockers closed. My head was bleeding.
I’m pretty sure this is why i am so darn mentally ill. Apparently, a lot of people who have too much head trauma become suicidal. Oh well. I’m getting more electroconvulsive therapy tomorrow.